The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically. It can be one encounter or it can be an ongoing pattern of behaviour. However, the one constant element of domestic abuse is the abuser's consistent efforts to maintain power and control over the victim.

Domestic abuse can affect anyone regardless of ethnicity, age, gender, sexuality or social background. If you are suffering from physical, sexual, psychological or financial abuse, or are being threatened, intimidated or stalked by a current or previous partner it’s likely that you’re a victim of domestic abuse.

How it makes you feel

Domestic abuse makes you feel frightened, self-blaming, isolated, ashamed or confused. If you have children, it may be that they too are suffering, whether they witness abuse or not.

One thing that you must remember is that you are not to blame for what is happening.

You are not alone.

You do not have to suffer in silence.

Recognise domestic abuse

It can be complicated to recognise the signs of domestic abuse in intimate relationships. Every relationship is different. However, there are common factors that in each situation. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse. The list below can help you to recognise if you are in an abusive relationship.

The signs of domestic abuse include:

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting; mocking; accusing; name calling; verbally threatening.

Pressure tactics: sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnecting the phone and internet, taking away or destroying your mobile, tablet or laptop, taking the car away, taking the children away; threatening to report you to the police, social services or the mental health team unless you comply with his demands; threatening or attempting self-harm and suicide; withholding or pressuring you to use drugs or other substances; lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.

Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people; not listening or responding when you talk; interrupting your telephone calls; taking money from your purse without asking; refusing to help with childcare or housework.

Breaking trust: lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous; having other relationships; breaking promises and shared agreements.

Isolation: monitoring or blocking your phone calls, e-mails and social media accounts, telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing friends and relatives; shutting you in the house.

Harassment: following you; checking up on you; not allowing you any privacy (for example, opening your mail, going through your laptop, tablet or mobile), repeatedly checking to see who has phoned you; embarrassing you in public; accompanying you everywhere you go.

Threats: making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun; threatening to kill or harm you and the children; threatening to kill or harm family pets; threats of suicide.

Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don’t want it; forcing you to look at pornographic material; constant pressure and harassment into having sex when you don’t want to, forcing you to have sex with other people; any degrading treatment related to your sexuality or to whether you are lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual.

Physical violence: punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling, pinning you down, holding you by the neck, restraining you.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn’t happen; saying you caused the abuse; saying you wind him up; saying he can’t control his anger; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.

If you witness any of these signs in your relationship, please talk to someone and ask for advise.

If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you might be in an abusive relationship. There are links at the bottom of this page to places that can help.

 

Emotional abuse

Does your partner ever:

• Belittle you, or put you down?
• Blame you for the abuse or arguments?
• Deny that abuse is happening, or play it down?
• Isolate you from your family and friends?
• Stop you going to college or work?
• Make unreasonable demands for your attention?
• Accuse you of flirting or having affairs?
• Tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think?
• Control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other
  essential things?

 

Threats and intimidation

Does your partner ever:

• Threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Destroy things that belong to you?
• Stand over you, invade your personal space?
• Threaten to kill themselves or the children?
• Read your emails, texts or letters?
• Harass or follow you?

 

Physical abuse

The person abusing you may hurt you in a number of ways: Does your partner ever:

• Slap, hit or punch you?
• Push or shove you?
• Bite or kick you?
• Burn you?
• Choke you or hold you down?
• Throw things?

 

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, whether they’re male or female: Does your partner ever:

• Touch you in a way you don’t want to be touched?
• Make unwanted sexual demands?
• Hurt you during sex?
• Pressure you to have unsafe sex – for example, not using a condom?
• Pressure you to have sex?

If your partner has sex with you when you don’t want to, this is rape.

 

Concerned that someone is abused?

If you are concerned that a friend or someone you know is being abused talk to her, advise her to seek help.

Offer her ongoing support.

Bystanders

If you witness a situation of domestic abuse.

Don’t do nothing.

If a woman is in danger call the police immediately.